Tag Archives: stress

Am I Allowed To Be Ok?

I have moments where I forget the horrors of Wednesday (and I don’t just mean in regards to my own personal situation, but also about the victims of the Grenfell Tower tragedy).

When those moments are happening I feel, dare I say it, normal?

Which, once I’ve acknowledged that I feel ok, is usually enough to bring on the panic and paranoia.

Because if I have moments where I feel ok, then am I well? Did I imagine all the years of anxiety, depression and stress?

Which then leads me to worry, which makes me ill, which makes the problem worse.

The Doctor has told me to go out, see friends, have and savour a coffee, get regular exercise, feel the sunshine on my skin.

Mental Health is not like another illness. It often has no obvious sign, not in the way a broken leg does at least.

The things that help make mental health better are not usually the things you would tell a sick person to do, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t as essential medicine as a pill or a syrup would be.

I need to give myself permission to be happy, to get better, to not suffer.

Worse than Nowhere

I finally had a good nights sleep.

I slept in late, but I don’t want to make a habit of it. Routine is important to those with mental health and their recovery.

Today is an achievement as so far I haven’t cried yet.

I have made some terrible mistakes, I have made some terrible errors and I have had bad judgement.

I have made decisions that have ended up with me worse than nowhere, I am backwards.

I have to let some good come from this. I have to work towards a new dawn. I can either choose to make the same mistakes over and over again or I can make sure it never happens again.

I am not Hamlet

I first learnt the definition of the word ‘procrastination’ when I was at college studying Hamlet on my English Literature course.

Hamlet is about many things, but procrastination is one of the big themes in the play.

Hamlet is procrastinating about what to do, whether to avenge his Father’s murder, whether to kill Claudius and take back his thrown.

In the end it is fair to say he doesn’t so much decide what to do, he has his hand forced.

The fact is I have been waiting to have my hand forced. I am in the passenger seat of my own life. I am not taking control. I am placing my decisions in the hands of others. I don’t know what to do next or how to proceed. I want someone to give me the answers. I want someone to tell me what to do.

The problem in my life is my mental health has taken more than just a nose dive, it has fallen cataclysmic-ally into the abyss.

I want someone to tell me how to get better. If someone told me point blank that the way to get better is to tap your head whilst rubbing your tummy/cycle for 20km each day/howl at the moon then you can bet that I would be cycling at night, whilst tapping my head and rubbing my tummy and howling at the moon.

It would be a surreal sight but I would do anything to make me better.

The thing is I am not willing, or I am incapable of, getting into the drivers seat of my own life.

I am so stressed right now that it’s like I can feel my skin moving. Crawling away from me, going to find a new, more capable, body to attach itself to.

But I am not Hamlet. I do not want my hand forced, I do not want to be in the audience of my life. I am not the King of procrastination. I must be brave. I must persevere.

I must survive.

Help Me if You Can, I’m Feeling Down

I can’t shake the feeling that things are going to get worse before they get better.

I find it difficult to cope with ‘good’ so I don’t know how I can proceed.

The boy and I have had stressful days today and as a result have been sulky and uncommunicative towards each other.

Whereas before when I took an anti anxiety pill it would make me feel like superwoman, now I barely feel ‘alright’.

I don’t know how much of this is due to my hormones. I don’t know how much of this is due to a stressful new job. All I know is I am not ok.

Just Like The Characters in Arrested Development, I Have Made a Huge Mistake

As a result of being hormonal, I am feeling pretty all over the place emotionally this week and the main feeling is S T R E S S.

I am feeling quite consumed by stress. The sad thing is I have anti anxiety pills which I can take up to three times a day, and recently that hasn’t been enough.

I don’t know why but I can’t shake the feeling that I have made a huge mistake. That I have flipped a coin and called heads when it should have been tails. That I am somehow on a path to devastation and my choices are irreversible. And not even doing my best Gob Bluth impression is improving things.

This is, of course, bull s***.

Most people would suck it up. If you have a debt to repay you should do everything in your power to pay it back. Suck it up. Make the sacrifices.

The truth is I haven’t made a terrible mistake recently. I have made a whole series of terrible mistakes in the past. All the times I spent my wages in the first day before I paid my bills. I have no excuses, I can’t really justify any of my terrible ways with money, I know this is sort of my catch phrase but I WAS A T***

I have told the boy I never want to borrow money off him again. This is it. When I have a bill to pay in the future I will solve it off my own back. I can’t keep being bailed out. I am 28. I only have 1 year left in my 20’s. I am officially old enough to know better. Most of my friends are married/getting married, own their own homes, are doing masters, own their own business, drive or at the very least have a pet, whereas all I have to show for my 28 years on earth is I have completed Zelda: Ocarina of Time and Zelda: Majora’s Mask on the N64. TWICE!

For younger millenial’s who wonder what the hell a N64 is it is Pure Happiness!

I have an interview for a weekend admin job this week. And I have discovered I can smash my stress by doing 40 minutes on the hardest setting of the exercise bike.

I may have to put my life on hold for a few months to clear the debt. But if I get to see Queen at the end of it then that will be worth it. If I can pay back the boy so I don’t feel like a parasite then that will be great too.

 

 

 

I’ve seen pigeons with more confidence than me

Most people when they get a job in their dream field (which they thought was out of reach to them) would be overjoyed.

About 24 hours after I found out I got the job in my dream area, I was looking for reasons to diminish the achievement.

I began telling myself that I only got it because I could start instantly. I only got it because I knew someone in the department. I only got it because they were desperate and I ‘would do’.

I didn’t tell myself I got it because I aced the interview, because I did the spreadsheet task in half the allotted time or because I had done my research on the company and I could relate my answers to the company’s future vision, values and goals.

Why am I so quick to be my worst enemy?

I am so afraid of being verbally assaulted by other people for any little thing I do wrong, but that has never happened. What has happened is I tell myself on a daily basis that I am scum, that I am worthless, that I am fat, ugly, terrible, hated, unloved and pathetic.

I need to give that side of me a good ass kicking.

Am I the disgusting person I say I am? I guess not, but brains are mercurial things.

Brains like truth. If I feed into my brain the statement ‘Flo is Rubbish’ then my brain will look for evidence of that. Due to my low opinion of myself I can find evidence in any moment of my life, from genuine ‘I was a twat’ moments to something as innocuous as that time I tripped over a paving slab.

I was recently ill and had to cancel some self employed work with my friend. I was unbelievably apologetic and my friend who is wise and calm just told me to get some rest and as they could sense my anxiety, they told me that it can be exhausting punishing yourself.

It really is.

Yet I do it on a daily basis.

I feel ok to a certain degree, and I can truthfully say I haven’t been plagued by my former friend depression for probably the longest stretch of time in my life since it first appeared.

BUT…..

My anxiety seems to be getting worse. Previously I was taking my newest medication just on days when I had to socially interact with people, but now I have been experiencing more moments of anxiety and have been taking it to try and make that go away.

I start my new job tomorrow. I will end on a positive and say that one thing I have learnt in life is things have a funny way of working themselves out. Eventually.

Every little thing is going to be alright.

 

Headcase Strikes Again

Today was not a good day.

On account of the side effects from my new medication, bad sleep and being a woman I have been on the verge of being really ill all week.

By which I mean I feel like at any second now I am going to tip over into full blown ‘I’m ill, feel sorry for me and feed me painkillers’ territory.

As a result I did not play football today and instead hung out with my boyfriend at our friend’s animation night.

Today was hard at work.

For some reason unclear to me I had a customer service shift today that was 2 hours long, when our shifts last 90 minutes usually.

I was afraid. I was very afraid.

And whilst I did not have a single bad encounter, due to the volume of encounters I had I was becoming more and more of a quivering wreck.

You know it’s bad when you are counting down the time till ‘freedom’ in the sixtieth fractions.

I have also developed a very lovely habit of stuttering and stammering over the simplest of enquiries which is embarrassing for all concerned.

I felt ‘alive’ with stress today. And I desperately felt like I needed to take the edge of somehow.

Long ago I used to smoke. I am going to say something that is, sadly, 100% true.

Nothing tastes as good as smoking.

I’m sorry. When I said that to my (non smoking) brother he said ‘Guh, that is so unbelievably BORING’ and it is.

I know the nicotine in cigarettes causes you to feel stressed, that whilst the sensation of having your stress slide away when smoking is accurate, the fact is you wouldn’t have had that stress in the first place if you didn’t smoke.

So when I get stressed, although I am (relatively) certain that I won’t smoke again, I can’t help but think ‘A cigarette will make the stress go away’

I gave up smoking a long time ago and finally came off nicotine replacement products over a year ago. My chosen method was nicotine gum and as a result I am mildly addicted to chewing gum as a stress reliever.

However, I have decided that chewing gum is an ‘unessential purchase’ and as a result I haven’t bought any all year.

There may be a correlation between that and my stress levels.

Hmmmm.

Well it’s Friday tomorrow and naturally I’ve got to go into work no matter how ill I become because who really believes that the person who calls in sick on a Friday is actually ill?

I am having an early night though, so I bid you good ‘morrow.