Tag Archives: stress

Say What?!

So…..

Today after a 30 day absence I returned to work.

And……

It was fine, better than fine, it was like a new fresh beginning.

My bosses and colleagues were wonderful.

I had to face the truth at long last. That I am, or was, utterly paranoid.

No one was out to get me.

No one was whispering in a corner about how terrible I am as I made my way into the office.

No one shouted or snarled or sneered at me.

They were all lovely.

My brain had betrayed me. It had led me to believe there was harm and danger in every direction, in every situation, in every person.

I know this sounds unbelievable, but I believed in what my brain was telling me. I believed in the danger, I believed that everyone was out to get me, that everyone hated me.

When the boy tried to gently tell me I was paranoid I genuinely believed he was wrong, that he was naive, that he was lying to me.

I feel like I am finally seeing the world for what it is. I feel like I am finally seeing the truth. I feel like I have been given a lifeline.

I don’t know how long I will be in this job. I don’t know how long this feeling will last. I don’t know what tomorrow holds.

But today I feel strong and happy.

Am I Allowed To Be Ok?

I have moments where I forget the horrors of Wednesday (and I don’t just mean in regards to my own personal situation, but also about the victims of the Grenfell Tower tragedy).

When those moments are happening I feel, dare I say it, normal?

Which, once I’ve acknowledged that I feel ok, is usually enough to bring on the panic and paranoia.

Because if I have moments where I feel ok, then am I well? Did I imagine all the years of anxiety, depression and stress?

Which then leads me to worry, which makes me ill, which makes the problem worse.

The Doctor has told me to go out, see friends, have and savour a coffee, get regular exercise, feel the sunshine on my skin.

Mental Health is not like another illness. It often has no obvious sign, not in the way a broken leg does at least.

The things that help make mental health better are not usually the things you would tell a sick person to do, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t as essential medicine as a pill or a syrup would be.

I need to give myself permission to be happy, to get better, to not suffer.

Worse than Nowhere

I finally had a good nights sleep.

I slept in late, but I don’t want to make a habit of it. Routine is important to those with mental health and their recovery.

Today is an achievement as so far I haven’t cried yet.

I have made some terrible mistakes, I have made some terrible errors and I have had bad judgement.

I have made decisions that have ended up with me worse than nowhere, I am backwards.

I have to let some good come from this. I have to work towards a new dawn. I can either choose to make the same mistakes over and over again or I can make sure it never happens again.

I am not Hamlet

I first learnt the definition of the word ‘procrastination’ when I was at college studying Hamlet on my English Literature course.

Hamlet is about many things, but procrastination is one of the big themes in the play.

Hamlet is procrastinating about what to do, whether to avenge his Father’s murder, whether to kill Claudius and take back his thrown.

In the end it is fair to say he doesn’t so much decide what to do, he has his hand forced.

The fact is I have been waiting to have my hand forced. I am in the passenger seat of my own life. I am not taking control. I am placing my decisions in the hands of others. I don’t know what to do next or how to proceed. I want someone to give me the answers. I want someone to tell me what to do.

The problem in my life is my mental health has taken more than just a nose dive, it has fallen cataclysmic-ally into the abyss.

I want someone to tell me how to get better. If someone told me point blank that the way to get better is to tap your head whilst rubbing your tummy/cycle for 20km each day/howl at the moon then you can bet that I would be cycling at night, whilst tapping my head and rubbing my tummy and howling at the moon.

It would be a surreal sight but I would do anything to make me better.

The thing is I am not willing, or I am incapable of, getting into the drivers seat of my own life.

I am so stressed right now that it’s like I can feel my skin moving. Crawling away from me, going to find a new, more capable, body to attach itself to.

But I am not Hamlet. I do not want my hand forced, I do not want to be in the audience of my life. I am not the King of procrastination. I must be brave. I must persevere.

I must survive.

Help Me if You Can, I’m Feeling Down

I can’t shake the feeling that things are going to get worse before they get better.

I find it difficult to cope with ‘good’ so I don’t know how I can proceed.

The boy and I have had stressful days today and as a result have been sulky and uncommunicative towards each other.

Whereas before when I took an anti anxiety pill it would make me feel like superwoman, now I barely feel ‘alright’.

I don’t know how much of this is due to my hormones. I don’t know how much of this is due to a stressful new job. All I know is I am not ok.

Just Like The Characters in Arrested Development, I Have Made a Huge Mistake

As a result of being hormonal, I am feeling pretty all over the place emotionally this week and the main feeling is S T R E S S.

I am feeling quite consumed by stress. The sad thing is I have anti anxiety pills which I can take up to three times a day, and recently that hasn’t been enough.

I don’t know why but I can’t shake the feeling that I have made a huge mistake. That I have flipped a coin and called heads when it should have been tails. That I am somehow on a path to devastation and my choices are irreversible. And not even doing my best Gob Bluth impression is improving things.

This is, of course, bull s***.

Most people would suck it up. If you have a debt to repay you should do everything in your power to pay it back. Suck it up. Make the sacrifices.

The truth is I haven’t made a terrible mistake recently. I have made a whole series of terrible mistakes in the past. All the times I spent my wages in the first day before I paid my bills. I have no excuses, I can’t really justify any of my terrible ways with money, I know this is sort of my catch phrase but I WAS A T***

I have told the boy I never want to borrow money off him again. This is it. When I have a bill to pay in the future I will solve it off my own back. I can’t keep being bailed out. I am 28. I only have 1 year left in my 20’s. I am officially old enough to know better. Most of my friends are married/getting married, own their own homes, are doing masters, own their own business, drive or at the very least have a pet, whereas all I have to show for my 28 years on earth is I have completed Zelda: Ocarina of Time and Zelda: Majora’s Mask on the N64. TWICE!

For younger millenial’s who wonder what the hell a N64 is it is Pure Happiness!

I have an interview for a weekend admin job this week. And I have discovered I can smash my stress by doing 40 minutes on the hardest setting of the exercise bike.

I may have to put my life on hold for a few months to clear the debt. But if I get to see Queen at the end of it then that will be worth it. If I can pay back the boy so I don’t feel like a parasite then that will be great too.