I have been ill since Tuesday, as in called in sick for work ill.
Something I haven’t done for nearly 8 weeks, which I was feeling so proud of.
That’s not to say I haven’t been ill during that time, because I have. I had a cold, a real humdinger of one.
Then there were the three nights in a row of insomnia.
I have been struggling.
So on Monday I started coming down with what I thought was a cold, and I didn’t want to, but now that I am Flo 2.0 jobs, I decided that maybe it would be sensible if just this once I took a day off work to recuperate, as I didn’t want to be ill all week like it had felt like with the last cold.
So that was Tuesday, then I added Wednesday to the mix.
Today I felt that something was ‘wrong’ but I didn’t know if I was being a hypochondriac or a baby. The people in Job 1 (the Monday to Friday job) are tough. Unless your leg has fallen off they think you are being a weakling if you don’t plough on through an illness.
So I decided to go to the Doctor, mainly to be told I was being a baby and I was wasting the NHS’s time and money (something I really don’t want to do).
But the Doctor took one look at my throat and said ‘that’s very red’ and immediately started swabbing it, and asked if I wanted a sick note for another week, which I instantly went ‘aargh’ at and said ‘NO!’ which the Doctor wasn’t best pleased with. So she prescribed me an anti septic throat spray and said to come back when I was well enough for work, either work, to get the sick note.
So then there was an awkward phone call to work where my line manager was like ‘You have had a lot of sick days’ and now I feel about 2cm tall and bad, but in a perverse way I’m…happy?…that I am actually medically, not-in-my-head, not-being-a-baby, sick.
Except being ill feeds my anxiety, my anxiety that tells me I am going to be fired for being ill and that I have no job security and that I am horribly in debt and so on and so on.
Which does not help an unwell Flo become a well Flo.
I haven’t spoken much about my anxiety and my mental health on my blog for a long time because for the most part I have been doing great. I have felt on top of the world. I have been very happy and content and it was almost like I had the super power of good mental health.
But now I am trying to ignore the voice in my head that is screaming at me that I am a failure and rubbish.