I feel fine

I am becoming more and more like a ‘normal’ person in terms of how I interact around people.

I need a new pair of jeans which gives me the chance to flex my mad skills in regards to getting them for free somehow.

I am nearly caught up with WWE.

And it is ‘THE BUDGET’ day.

He’s in love with me and I feel fine.

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Back to Life

Well, actually, is it my old self, or more accurately my ‘true’ or ‘best’ self?

I’ll explain.

Last week was rough. A busy week at work, side effects from the medication, women’s business, all in all my anxiety was ramped up to the max!

This week has been so different.

I have no fear over talking to people. The way I am around people is like I’ve had a complete personality transplant. I am eager to help, I am eager to talk to people, I am chatty and friendly instead of wishing I had the power of invisibility so that I could hide from people.

I will admit I have had just about every side affect the medication listed as being possible, including ones they said were ‘rare’ and only occur in 1 in 1000 people.

I guess I’m special.

I don’t want to take risks with my health but I feel it is a small price to pay for better mental health.

I am still very, very concerned about my mum.

Because when she was drinking when I was a child, we had my Dad’s wages to fund it, and yes she did bankrupt his business (true story) but at least she had a home to pass out on the floor off.

She is now a vulnerable woman living off benefits in rented accommodation. If she drinks away her money and can’t pay her rent she will be homeless.

She still hasn’t called me.

I wish she could have felt that she could turn to her kids for support rather than the bottle.

It does make me feel a little abandoned, hurt, angry and pissed off.

What hurts is despite the fact I have left lots of messages on her phone, she contacted my brother in a drunken stupor.

My mum has always been more interested in the men in her life then the women. She loves her Dad and hated her mum. She hated my Dad’s mum. My dad once told me that my mum tends to dislike women as they threaten her relationships with the men in her life.

I guess this is why I have always rejected the need for male attention. As much as I love my boyfriend I feel like a sell out for being in a relationship. It’s stupid I know, being single isn’t exactly a stand up achievement (most would think the opposite).

My overbearing clingy-ness is matched by my desperate need to be an island and to not rely on anyone or anything.

I think the real reason I gave up smoking finally, was not because of a concern for my health but because I hated the fact it had a hold on me.

I want to be alone and I want to be with people.

It’s little wonder I am confused.

 

 

I now have enough peanut butter to last me the rest of the year (Deal of the Day)

I am one of those people who has ‘principles’ about some items they buy and try to only buy Peanut Butter that contains no Palm Oil.

I don’t judge anyone for being different to me. If your personal preference is to buy a peanut butter that contains palm oil that is fine, I don’t care, just like I don’t care if people eat meat when I don’t. Everyone has their own lives to lead, their own shoes to walk in, and my personal choices will differ completely from everyone else’s.

That is fine. We are all different. Let’s celebrate that.

But being principled about peanut butter comes at a cost, I only know of Pip and Nut, Whole Earth and Meridian avoiding palm oil (or only using sustainable palm oil) . They are all a lot more than Mr Tesco’s Everyday value peanut butter.

(Interestingly there is a statement on Tesco’s website from a few years ago that they fund research into sustainable palm oil, so please don’t think I am using them as an example of being bad chappies, more they are cheap as chips and I shop with them)

So on occasions like this, when I run out of peanut butter, I go to Holland and Barrett and check out the offers.

H&B are doing a ‘Buy One Get One Half Price’, so now I have what will probably work out to be a year’s supply of peanut butter for less than £9 (Plus I obviously have a rewards card with them so got some money back)

Yes, it was a sizeable dent in the food shopping budget, but I think it will work out good in the long run.

Again, I don’t care or judge you if you are wondering what the big deal about palm oil is and who cares and all that jazz. Buy what you like, be who you like, do what you like (within reason guys, no law breaking)

I am curbing my over buying habits and am now getting a thrill out of using something up, but I do find something comforting about knowing whatever the future holds, at least I won’t run out of peanut butter.

 

Leftover Gigantes Plaki Soup

I’ll admit I don’t actually truly know what Gigantes Plaki is and just went on the basis that it was a recipe in Jack Monroe’s A Girl Called Jack and I had the ingredients and wanted a quick and easy dinner whilst my boy was out.

I just have to trust them when they say it means ‘Really Big Beans’.

I blitzed the leftovers into soup, mixing it with a bit of stock.

I now have a very orange and garlicy soup for tomorrow’s lunch, which I will be having with some leftover ‘leftovers’ scones.

I think I need to cool it on the garlic. My response to measurements for ingredients I like is to usually double it.

I do the same with my Friday Gin and Tonic.

I told my boss about my mum in case I need time off work, because whilst I don’t know what the future holds I know what the past held.

Too many times the police brought back my mum inebriated.

Too many times she climbed out the window to buy booze.

Too many times we would stumble across an empty vodka bottle in the unlikeliest places in the house which in her drunken state she thought were well hidden.

But for now I have a pungent soup to comfort me during my long day at work tomorrow.

And peanut butter.

But that’s to follow in the next post.

Leftover Vegetable Cheesy Scones

Remember that glut of veg I bought last Monday?

Well I didn’t want the Swede to go to waste, so I decided to make some vegetable scones from them. I found a recipe on the BBC food website by Greg Wallace from the Eat Well For Less show banner, that called for around 200g of mashed swede and 50g of other leftover cooked veggies.

My swede was B I G so even shaving some of it off for our Sunday dinner I still had 300g of it. I boiled it along with a very small sweet potato that was about 80g and I was planning on changing the rest of the ingredient measurements to reflect these changes in amounts, but in the end I kept the flour, baking powder, salt and milk measurements the same and I feel that my scones were all the better for it. In fact the milk amount seemed far too much!

I’m sure Mr Wallace will tell me I did everything wrong but I thought they were delicious.

As usual I was generous with the grated cheese.

I like my food ‘crispy’ which I know is more carcinogenic, even before the news report this year about ‘golden food being bad’ I knew that so I will leave it to you as to how well done you like them.

I will be having some in my lunch box tomorrow.

I reckon any combination of root veggies would make a good scone. They were yummers!

Financial Review of Week 9

Another spendy week, the usual after payday.

FOOD

Lots of food!

It’s easier to say I have £52.70 left out of the £200 budget. So £147.30 spent.

WORK EXPENSE

Milk for work £2

TRAVEL (DAY TO DAY)

Bus £1.70

HEALTH

Ibuprofen due to evil pains £2.29

SOCIAL

Indian Meal £7.50

Coke £1.99

Burger, Chips, Onion Rings and Coke £17.55

Coke x 2 £5.40

San Pellegrino £2.65 

FOOTBALL DAY (BUDGET £40)

Train to Football Match £3.90

Burger, Chips and Gin and Tonic £7.75

Pepsi Max £2

Coffee £1.29

Beer and coke £6

Tuna Melt £4.60

Chocolate Shortbread £2.30

Total Discretionary spends this week = £68.92

I think I have discovered the reason why I am overweight. I did say to my boyfriend that our social life was affecting my weight loss plans but no one exactly force fed me the 2 x burger and chips and Indian Meal!

I will try hard to clock up some No Spend Days this week. I achieved 12 in February. I am aiming for 14 in March.

 

 

 

Bottle Living

I am not quite sure how to begin saying this.

After nearly 16 years of sobriety my mum has been drinking.

In the last two weeks I have had one text from her, and I have left about 10 messages for her on her phone with no reply.

I don’t know when my mum started drinking again but I take it it was recently, I have found out a few details from my aunt (my mum’s twin).

Due to my need to control every situation I have pre-prepared in my mind an answer to every hypothetical situation, from ‘What would I do if my child was bullied?’ to ‘If I went back in time and went to a different university, how would I make sure I meet my boyfriend?’

I had always planned in my mind that if my mum started drinking again I would cut her out of my life.

I once told her this and she said she was glad to have heard it as it would help her keep sober.

Now I am in this situation and I don’t know how to proceed or what to do or what to think or what is going to happen.

I just want my mum to be safe. And well. And not drunk.

Because I can’t go through all that again.