I May Have To ‘Buy’ Something

A week tomorrow it will be my best friend’s wedding where I will be a bridesmaid.

I am stressed to the max about it.

I have bad hair that hasn’t had a cut since January.


I have bad skin that makes me look like a red avocado.

I do not have a pair of tights to wear.

I have ill fitting or unsuitable jackets, and I would be more stressed if it wasn’t for the fact I have the dress and shoes already bought and arranged by the bride.

As I have been a mental f*** up at pretty much every big scale social event since 2015 I am scared that I am going to ‘ruin’ the wedding.

I have told you about how my Dad and Step Mum (to be) are effectively eloping.

I told the boy this week that if we were going to get married sooner rather than later my anxiety could not cope with anything more than a couple of witnesses in attendance. I would love to marry the boy. I would love to have a big day surrounded by my loved ones, but I know me, I know I would ruin it.

I really hope I don’t do anything bad.



The impossible lightness of being

Yesterday marks my second day this year that I missed posting on here.

My desire to post everyday is not because I feel that you would all miss me, or that your lives would be lacking without my musings, more it proves a dedication on my part and a desire to make a commitment.

I had returned to work after a one day absence from being ill. I found the working day very stressful. I got off my train home one stop early, in the city that educated both the boy and I as I was meeting him there to go to an exhibition.

We decided that the day would be a chance to indulge in some nostalgia and visit old haunts of ours. At the exhibition the boy was cornered by an enthusiastic visitor, and I left him to it as I knew I would not cope with making small talk to a stranger. Later I realised he had been making discrete ‘save me’ eyes at me.

We went to a relatively new pub that had a piece of the boy’s art work in it and we ran into some old friends of the boys. After a pint we left them to go to another of our old favourite pubs on our own.

There was a pool table and the boy wanted to play a game.

‘I can’t’ I said.

‘Why not?’ asked the boy.

Because I can’t play pool, because people will watch and laugh at me for being bad, because I tend to keep my moments of public humiliation to a minimum.

The boy basically begged me to indulge him in a game, so I relented. We played. I made my shots as quick as possible to end the game sooner, with the boy forcing me to slow down and concentrate and when I did my shots could pass as being good. Not one single person laughed.

We sat down and had a chat. We talk all the time, but usually we are on our laptops, or watching TV, or walking to a destination. We don’t get many opportunities to look in each others eyes and reveal our deepest thoughts.

I had become more relaxed with the alcohol, but also more emotional. As I spoke about how little I like myself, why I can’t forgive myself a small tear would trail down my cheek. The boy told me all my good points, counselled me, made me feel better.

I lightened up. I congratulated the alcohol.

‘I feel much more relaxed when I’m drinking,’ I said ‘I should drink everyday’

‘I’m going to say one word to you’ said the boy.

‘Mother?’ I asked


One of my favourite songs is A Design For Life by Manic Street Preachers. The line that haunts me most in that song is ‘We don’t talk about love, we only want to get drunk’

I used to not drink. You could call it being straight edged. I did it because I was utterly convinced that with my mental health being what it was, my childhood traumas and my inability to cope with life it was inevitable that I would be an alcoholic, so I may as well skip through to the not being able to drink stage of life.

I do drink now. I enjoy drinking. But I am scared when I become ‘better’ with alcohol that I will pick up on this and then become my mother.

I am too scared to ‘let go’



In a Cage (On Prozac)

What would my life be like if instead of fearing the worse in every situation, I anticipated the best?

If I woke up excited for all the wonders that would fill my day instead of awaiting the potential (and often unrealised) horrors?

If I believed that I could change my life for the better?

That I wasn’t doomed to be overweight, in debt and socially incapable all my life?

If I reminded myself of all my good points instead of sending a constant stream of abuse my way?

If I didn’t torture myself?

If I focused on my achievements instead of my mistakes?

If I could just say one nice thing to myself?

I think my life would be pretty good if I could do that.

I must try.


Tax Man

Today I got my P60 in the post which means one thing.


Yes, just like nobody else on the planet, one of my favourite days of the year is Tax day.

In the previous tax year I made just under £200 in self employed earnings (during the summer of the great unemployment) on top of the income I had from my two jobs, one before the unemployment period and one after.

When I do my taxes I will tell you all about them. Because unlike a certain head of state I will not be afraid to.

I declare any additional income I make during the tax years. I have even declared the tips I earned as a waitress in the past. And this year I will declare the money I have made through doing surveys and the like.

I do this not because I am some sort of sanctimonious saint (although I guess it will appear like that), but because taxes pay for all the things I believe in. All the things I believe should exist.

I don’t want to get preachy and political, I’m too afraid of conflict to do that, BUT during my teenage years as a result of my Mum being an alcoholic and my Dad’s business going bankrupt I was a child brought up on benefits.

Other people’s tax money was being used to support me and my brothers. So that we could continue to have a roof over our head, so that we could eat, so that we could survive.

And I know some might think our house was covered in flat screen TVs as some love to promote that image of people on benefits, but actually we were so poor that when I needed new black shoes for school my Dad’s solution to the problem was to cover a white pair of trainers in black shoe polish.

Yep. True story. Insert laughing emoji here.

So yeah, I will pay every single penny I owe the UK because that money will go towards supporting families like mine. And maybe some other s*** as well, but hey ho that’s the way life is.



Financial Review of the Week that Just Was (19)

Ok, so things are a wee bit different the last week as I completely ran out of money and thus had to rely on what remained of the ‘Non Essential Purchases’ birthday money from the boy.

I have detailed how I have spent that money in a previous post, so last week’s financial review is made up of spending from my disposable income, before it ran out, but in the spirit of fairness I did spent about £12 extra last week.


Bread £0.80

Chicken Dippers £3.00

Carrots, Celery, Cucumber, Jacket Potatoes, Orange Juice £3.07




Cat treats for my niece’s and nephew’s cats £2.50


Envelopes £3.87

Posting Gifts and Presents £8.70



Not bad. If I had spent that little after payday I would be like ‘Well Done Flo’ but as it was a case of I HAD NO MONEY then it wasn’t really a choice.

The funny thing is through being disciplined with using the food we had in the house, bulk buying, batch cooking and doing that mini challenge of ‘Spending less than £10 this week on food’ the boy and I have a pretty healthy amount of the food budget left. 35% to be exact!

So although I could totally go out and buy myself a nice bottle of gin and still probably end up within the budget, I am instead doing another ‘Only spend £10 this week on groceries’ (I currently have something like 54p left, but I only have Wednesday and Thursday to go).

The things is, as you know I have gone over budget on the household shopping on two of the last few months, so staying well within budget will do a lot to get the overall yearly budget under control.

Which is my overall goal.

I have decided that if I do well on the budget this month then I will buy myself a treat for the house.

I will be buying my first ever bottle of ‘Star Drops’

I have never used Star Drops before, but everyone on the Money Saving Expert forum (which is the website I visit most after WordPress) raves about it. Apparently it is a multi purpose miracle product which can clean everything in your house by only using the tiniest drop. And it lasts forever apparently.

So I am eager to get my hands on a bottle. It is quite hard to come by in high street shops but you can get it on Amazon for under £5. 

It’s at times like this I realise I am really boring and need to go out and do something cool before I become old(er).




Savoury Bread and Butter ‘Pudding’

Yeah, I know, another Cheese and Carb feast in my trusty white dish.

Well, I’ll explain. As you know I hate food waste, and we get through a lot of bread, but sometimes we have 1-3 slices left of a loaf which aren’t going to cover us both for breakfast and lunch until our next shop, so we do need to buy a new loaf but then we would have too much bread!

Also it is usually the crusts that are left and I LOVE crusts but the boy hates them, and he is the bread fiend in the house.

So those 1-3 slices get thrown in the bottom freezer drawer.

I opened it recently and saw that we had a ridiculous amount of bread in there, so decided to make savoury bread and butter pudding.


10 Slices of bread, you may need more or less depending on the size of dish you are using (I used granary bread, any will be fine, but granary has a certain panazz to it)

125g mozzarella

100g cheddar cheese, grated

4 eggs, beaten

tomato puree




Butter the slices of bread, cut into triangles and layer up and overlap in your dish.

Meanwhile mix the beaten eggs, half the grated cheese, chives, paprika and tomato puree in a jug all together. You may find the tomato puree clumps up a little bit, this will just mean you may have random tomato-ey bits in your food.

Pour the egg/cheese mix over the bread, then scatter the rest of the grated cheese, the mozzarella slices and some more paprika.

Cook in the oven for about 25 minutes on a medium-high heat, keep checking.


Do not eat it all. You will have the time of your life doing so, but just remember that’s 10 slices of bread and butter you would be eating.

You can add anything to this really, spinach, ham, onion, other veggies, the choice is yours.




Today in the Adventures of Flo’s Dad…

Today I found out that my Dad and his girlfriend (who I have always referred to as on here as my Step mum because for all intents and purposes that’s what she is) are getting married at the end of July.

Which is lovely, except I found out this news from my Aunt, not my Dad, after two days at home with my Dad.

Also I am not invited to the wedding.

My Dad told me, after he discovered the cat was out of the bag, that it was going to be a secret wedding, and it’s not so much that ‘I’m’ not invited as ‘No One’ is invited, other then witnesses.

I get it, I mean this will be my Dad’s third marriage, he is in his late 60’s, and he hates attention and fuss (gee, I wonder where I get that from?) and actually I am lucky to find out BEFORE the wedding as my two older half sisters from his first marriage found out he had married my mum after the event had happened. From a dinner lady at their school!

So really I am lucky.

I absolutely love my step mum (to be), she is by far the most sensible out of my parents/parent type people. Really she is the sort of person that anyone would kill to have in their life. My life would have been a lot more normal if she had met my dad when I was a teenager instead of when I was 20.

I have now achieved 9 No Spend Days this month already. So go me.

It’s back to reality tomorrow. Life just kinda passes in a haze of cups of tea and cat petting when I am visiting my family. Tomorrow I will be travelling back home and Tuesday will be back to work.

I need to get a better grip on my life, I have lost my way a bit this last month. I am nearly on the home straight to pay day, which will be a week on Friday.

I can’t wait. I have really struggled this month but am proud I was still able to pay off £100 from my overdraft.