Run Towards

My natural instinct is to run away from my problems, to the extent that often in times of crisis I can actually be heard to say ‘I’m going to run away’.

It’s like a catchphrase.

This means the boy now ‘fines’ me if I say it.

Now I don’t need to tell you that if you run away from your problems you only take them with you, but clearly I haven’t been telling myself that.

If I run away from my problems they will always be there.

If I run towards them I stand a better chance of doing a finishing move on them and watching them tap out*

 

 

*Wrestling analogy

God Make Me Famous, If You Can’t Just Make it Painless

“If you focus on results, you’ll never change. Focus on change; you’ll get results” 

  • Jack Dixon, Author

That quote is from a magazine/book I’ve got called ‘Run Your Belly Off!‘ by Runner’s World Magazine. Not to be confused with a similar sounding book called ‘Run Your Butt Off’ which I would really like to read (my butt needs as much attention as my belly does).

I have turned to comfort in the form of sports magazines, sporting memoirs and my exercise books. As previously mentioned I guess it’s because it is easier for me to control and manage what my body can do compared to my mind at the moment.

I said this quote to the boy a few days ago and he loved it and said ‘That’s it! That’s a great quote, that’s what you should be focusing on’

I need to focus on change whilst I am recuperating. Such as that yesterday was the first day in a week that I didn’t cry or wake up at 4:30 am.

Whilst I am still less than I have been in recent weeks, I have got part of my appetite back and have put on a pound or so.

But last night was bad. I was hit by extreme nausea and spent a long time in the bathroom either trying to be sick or trying to not be sick.

Today has been a bit better. But I am psyching myself up to leave the house and go to the Library. That will involve walking through town and being around large crowds of people. The library holds books that might make me better. The walk would be good. The sun is shining and vitamin D is always good.

But there will be people. People who haven’t been categorised in my mind as being safe. People who I fear will harm me.

What I love about summer is I can hide behind my sunglasses and not make eye contact with people.

I think when I am better I want to get started with pushing my body to the limits. At the moment pushing my body to the limits would involve running for a bus without having a heart attack.

I will obviously concentrate on my mental health as a priority, but maybe focusing on the changes in my body, in what it can do, what it is capable of, will help aid me.

 

Worse than Nowhere

I finally had a good nights sleep.

I slept in late, but I don’t want to make a habit of it. Routine is important to those with mental health and their recovery.

Today is an achievement as so far I haven’t cried yet.

I have made some terrible mistakes, I have made some terrible errors and I have had bad judgement.

I have made decisions that have ended up with me worse than nowhere, I am backwards.

I have to let some good come from this. I have to work towards a new dawn. I can either choose to make the same mistakes over and over again or I can make sure it never happens again.

The Morning After The Night Before

The alarm said 4:30am.

There is a great play by Sarah Kane called 4.48 Pychosis, which is about how her only moments of clarity in a 24 hour onslaught of poor mental health would come at 4.48 in the morning.

I am a deep sleeper, but 4.30 am has become my new waking up time over the last few days.

I drifted in and out and got out of bed at 7am. I came downstairs and put on the news to discover another tragedy had befallen London, this time a massive blaze through a 20+ storey tower block. Even though this tower block was in West London, and my brother lives in East London, and he is always quick to point out it is ‘real’ East London, not what is referred to as East London, I still had to send him a text to make sure he was alright.

I went up to the boy at close to 8, he came down not long after. His dad had already phoned him.

It was then we made the phone call to my line manager and I had to tell her that yesterday my Doctor has signed me off work for 4 weeks because I am suffering from Stress, Anxiety and Depression.

A job I started less than 2 months ago.

The phone call could have been far worse.

I have texted, messaged and called more friends in the last 24 hours then I probably have in the last year. Indeed one friend I messaged on FaceBook showed my last contact with him had been in 2016.

I have realised far too late that hiding my problems, not telling them to anyone, pretending everything is alright has gotten me worse than nowhere, it has made me backtrack to a terrible, terrible point.

I feel that I have ruined everything. I feel embarrassed beyond all comprehension. I can’t bear to think of what certain people may think of me.

I would obviously never be this harsh to anyone else. If someone is sick is doesn’t matter if it is a broken leg or a broken mind. Sickness is sickness.

I had a good chat to my brother after he woke up and confirmed he was in East London and far away from West London. He spoke about his problems navigating social situations and kept saying ‘Not that it’s a competition’. We then moved on to safer topics like running and he asked me about my running ambitions and then kindly and delicately told me I should concentrate on losing weight first before I go back to running.

My other brother’s main concern regarding my mental health is to make sure I don’t miss out on season 3 of Twin Peaks.

I started re-reading ‘Grace Under Pressure’ by Sophie Walker, a running memoir, about a mum struggling to help her daughter who has Asperger’s Syndrome. I have put on the film Wild on Netflix, about a woman hiking the Pacific Crest Trail.

I guess I am focusing on what my body has the potential to do when what my mind can do is up for debate.

I have been to the Doctor to ask if my referral for assessment can somehow be escalated.

I have been to the local Mind centre to arrange an initial consultation. I was asked about what medication I am on, lots of people have been asking me that lately. As I listed the anti depressants, the anti psychotics, the anti anxiety pills and the three separate meds I take to manage my stress induced IBS I could see the person I was talking to look shocked.

The boy came home for lunch and asked how I was:

‘I’m not ok, but I’m ok’ I said

I have suddenly become consumed by anxiety, over what people will think of me, over how little I have been coping, over how ill I am.

Nearly 8 weeks ago the boy and I made a deal that if I could lose 10 pounds in 8 weeks he would get me a special prize. I would get another prize if I exceeded that.

I am currently on 12 pounds lost and the official deadline is this Saturday, the bulk of that was in the last two weeks, normally I would have been ecstatic. But I think it is a sign of deep emotional trauma if my usual comfort eating has fallen by the wayside and I have replaced it with drinking coffee and eating only bananas because anything else is too challenging.

I’m not ok, but I’m ok’. Please forgive me.

Let’s Celebrate

After yesterday’s post on here I received a notification from WordPress which informed me that I had just made my 200th post.

That means I have averaged over 1 post a day, which is great as I know there are around 5-10 days when I didn’t post this year.

I started this blog years ago. I posted sporadically at best during those years. I didn’t have dedication or discipline to post everyday.

I decided to use this blog space (I was still paying for the domain name after all) to blog about my debt free diary and my no spend year.

I thought all I would do was post about my finances, as that is what interested me.

But it became more than that.

I didn’t want to depress people, but I started having bad blips and bad moments of anxiety and I changed my medication to try and help me cope with that. I wrote about those days. I noticed that they got more attention than any of my previous posts, which I only mention because it made me realise there are others like me.

There are other people suffering from anxiety, social anxiety, depression, mental health difficulties, borderline personality disorder and the like.

I received comments, and I treasured each one, because it made me feel in a small way that I was reaching people and maybe in some small way I was helping.

I feel desperate, sad, bad about myself and the future. But one thing I don’t feel is alone.

So you may read this blog for all the talk on money saving and my financial weekly reviews, you may read it for the cheap and easy recipes and for preventing food waste, you may just be here for the daily posts of someone who finds the world a constant and daily struggle. You may be here because I have occasionally mentioned books and who doesn’t like books?

Whatever you are here for, I’m glad you are reading.

Please let me know why you visited today, what you like, what you dislike, whether you think I have too many spelling mistakes (I do try to keep them to a minimum) or whatever. Send a Haiku.

Thanks for stopping by. Here’s to my next 200 posts.

 

I Don’t Believe In Being Brave

Menswear are a 90’s Brit Pop band. Some may argue that history has been unkind to them. Others will say that they don’t deserve kindness, since they were essentially a manufactured guitar band with an emphasis on the ‘pop’ part of Brit Pop, arranged for the members good looks and rumour has it they were discovered in the menswear section of a shop.

They had one song though that many hold dear to their hearts, and that is ‘Being Brave’.

I am nostalgic for the 90’s. Despite the fact it had a lot of problems and I was no older than 10 by the end of the millennium.

I often use quotes from The Simpsons, or song lyrics as a way of saying what I want to say.

I often say the chorus line of the song Being Brave, which is ‘I don’t believe in being brave’.

Being brave is tough. And I am soft and malleable. I am pathetic and weak. I am incapable of strength.

The future is bleak. The future is black.