If you are an avid reader of my blog you will know I have pretty poor mental health at the best of times, and although I love spending time with my friends and family I am pretty anti social and ‘don’t play well with other people’.
Have you seen the episode of How I Met Your Mother where the gang don’t want to know the results of the Super Bowl, and so Ted invents the sensory deprivation kit of sound cancelling head phones and glasses blacked out so there is only the smallest bit to see out of?
Well, that’s me every summer.
Sunglasses, Headphones, I block out the public.
It always takes me a little while to get used to the fact I can’t hide behind sunglasses whenever winter approaches.
Anyway, so today I was mostly trapped in the house as we had workmen come to fix the front of the house and they needed access. When they left I was able to go to the shops to pick up milk (I was having to ration my cups of tea today which is never fun).
Anyway I went to the shops and the following happened.
Two people pushed in front of me in the queue.
There were disruptive kids behind me.
The check out woman spoke to the person behind me and didn’t acknowledge me at all.
Which makes a person with low self esteem and severe anger management issues feel about as appreciated as a pebble at Stonehenge.
I had adrenaline coursing through me as I felt a great injustice had befallen me, and I regret not standing up for myself, though I seem to get standing up for myself confused with causing mayhem.
Any way, I got home, still furious, and I needed to do something to get rid of the adrenaline shakes so I broke my rules about drinking and had a rather generous tumbler of Irish Cream.
My rules about drinking? Ah yes, well in case you didn’t know my mother was an alcoholic. A lovely person, but an alcoholic. As a child I was so paranoid I would end up like my mother that I invented my foolproof rule for drinking, which is:
I am not allowed to drink to improve or enhance a mood. It must be for taste alone.
So, I am not allowed to drink to feel better. Which is what I did today.
I am not exactly drunk, or even tipsy. But it still breaks my ‘rule’. So I must be careful and not make a habit of it.
The sad thing is I am not an alcoholic like my mother, so success there. But guess who has a ‘police intervention’ anger management problem?
So I tried so hard not to be my mum that I ended up like my Dad instead. (Is that not also an episode of Friends?)
The sad thing is I avoid being around other people too much because I know I have this anger problem. And what others might see as being passive, I see as self preservation.
If I don’t react badly around other people, then I haven’t gone too far.