I’ll Drink Anything, As Long As It’s Poisonous

I am re-reading Alexis Hall’s ‘In The Red’ for something like the 5th time this year. This is because when I feel that I have f***** up my life royally due to my debt (such as facing the crisis of my contract at work ending with no savings in the bank) then I like to take comfort in the tale of someone who has been there and done that.

I said to the boy that I wouldn’t say this year has been bad, but it has been one of my most challenging years (or certainly the most challenging non childhood trauma year).

I finally told the boy’s parents that my contract is ending and they said they would have worried in the past but they know I always get another job very soon, which I interpreted as ‘We’re used to you losing jobs, but somehow you survive’. I know they didn’t mean it like that, I just seem to only be capable of assuming the worst about myself.

I feel a lot more indestructible now that I have a raincoat. What’s that expression? There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothes?

You know you are old as f*** when you get ridiculously excited by your raincoat. The last time I felt this excited about a coat was when I bought my fake leopard print fur coat. Despite the fact it doesn’t fit me I am still unable to part with it, as I am determined to fit into it again one day.

I have also contemplated buying another fake fur leopard print coat in a plus size and being done with it all.

Realising I have spent most of my 20’s overweight is startling. I will never get that time back. I want to be attractive.

No one has ever made a comment on my weight, apart from one person, who shall remain nameless.

The trouble is food is such an emotional thing for me. I need to be happy to lose weight. I say this because when I am low, or depressed, or my life is going down the toilet like it is now, then pretty much all that gets me through the day is knock off Bailey’s, or a cheeky cheese sandwich, or portion sizes that take liberties with the term ‘generous’.

I comfort eat, I stress eat, I may connect this desperate mastication to when I gave up smoking and used nicotine gum and now I associate the sensation with stress release.

The diet will have to start on Monday. We are having Chinese takeway for tea.

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