Putting Me First

I have just returned from my counselling session, where the focus was ‘Who Am I Doing This For?’

This was because last week I had remarked that often I only tried to make myself better for someone else’s benefit as opposed to my own.

In today’s session we uncovered that I put everyone else first before myself.

This is very true.

I need to be more selfish. Although when I said I need to be a bit more of a see you next Tuesday my counsellor told me not to go that far.

She said I seemed brighter today.

It is true it is the first session where I didn’t cry.

But I spent last night staring at the ceiling, trying to get to sleep whilst counting all the problems I had mounting up.

I woke up at 6 and stayed up, apart from a brief cat nap on the sofa. I like to wake up early as so often I wake up to bad news on the TV and finding out about it as soon as possible somehow prepares me for what has happened.

In 2016 I woke up early to turn on the news to see which celebrity had died. 2016 was a bitter year.

I have my parcels of books I have sold packaged up to take to the drop off point tomorrow.

I have a few bids on my ebay items.

I have so much more to list and to sell.

Tomorrow would be my payday. I may still receive some wages. This is the first payday I have dreaded. I won’t have enough either way.

I am scared.

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