Don’t Touch, Don’t Approach, Don’t Feed

I don’t have an ipod, I have a tiny little MP3 thing that fits about 6 albums, you cannot select songs, but it is fine, it provides me with noise when I want to block people out in a socially acceptable way.

Combine with sunglasses and I can avoid the whole world.

Today I decided to walk home from the main station rather than get a connecting train. It’s about a 30 minute walk. I am trying to fit in 30 minutes of additional walking each day.

As I walked through town I came to instantly regret my decision as someone tried to get my attention, a girl/woman, perhaps only slightly younger than me.

I ignored her and walked past.

Why?

It’s not because I am trying to be a d*** or that I think I am better than people. I can accept she was most likely going to say something nice like ‘Your headphones are great, where did you get them from?’ (my headphones are great, they have lightning bolts on) or maybe she was going to tell me my fly was undone, but still I walked past.

It’s because I am terrified of all social interactions with strangers. It doesn’t matter if they are positive or negative. It doesn’t matter if they are surreal or mundane. Being spoken to above and beyond the bare minimum a person can go through in a day makes me feel…

well, violated.

I know that is such a strong word and I should be grateful that I have never been violated for real, but I can’t deny what my crazy mind puts me through.

Honestly, it’s like I go out of my way to make my life difficult for me.

Actually it’s not ‘like’, it’s a whole lotta yeps I do.

I have had a bad day.

I decided to be honest with my new boss and say my financial situation has changed and I need to look for other work.

I wasn’t exactly expecting her to jump for joy, so I’ll just say she was displeased.

I feel rubbish.

 

 

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One thought on “Don’t Touch, Don’t Approach, Don’t Feed

  1. I am sorry you feel the same about attention. I hate attention too, despite the fact my number one dream career has always been ‘rock star’ (sadly I have no musical ability). I think I have the classic ‘focus on the negatives, not the positives’. I have had many good experiences, but I choose to focus on the bad ones. I once had a man approach me when I was out with friends, and he asked me something like did I have the time, and when I went to check he then said ‘Sorry, I didn’t realise you were ugly’ and then he laughed and walked off. I’m not sure what his problem was. But I guess I always have my guard up and find it hard to trust people. If someone does talk to me I get scared, and when I realise they aren’t going to hurt me I feel myself physically ‘release’ my stress.

    Liked by 1 person

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