Most people when they get a job in their dream field (which they thought was out of reach to them) would be overjoyed.
About 24 hours after I found out I got the job in my dream area, I was looking for reasons to diminish the achievement.
I began telling myself that I only got it because I could start instantly. I only got it because I knew someone in the department. I only got it because they were desperate and I ‘would do’.
I didn’t tell myself I got it because I aced the interview, because I did the spreadsheet task in half the allotted time or because I had done my research on the company and I could relate my answers to the company’s future vision, values and goals.
Why am I so quick to be my worst enemy?
I am so afraid of being verbally assaulted by other people for any little thing I do wrong, but that has never happened. What has happened is I tell myself on a daily basis that I am scum, that I am worthless, that I am fat, ugly, terrible, hated, unloved and pathetic.
I need to give that side of me a good ass kicking.
Am I the disgusting person I say I am? I guess not, but brains are mercurial things.
Brains like truth. If I feed into my brain the statement ‘Flo is Rubbish’ then my brain will look for evidence of that. Due to my low opinion of myself I can find evidence in any moment of my life, from genuine ‘I was a twat’ moments to something as innocuous as that time I tripped over a paving slab.
I was recently ill and had to cancel some self employed work with my friend. I was unbelievably apologetic and my friend who is wise and calm just told me to get some rest and as they could sense my anxiety, they told me that it can be exhausting punishing yourself.
It really is.
Yet I do it on a daily basis.
I feel ok to a certain degree, and I can truthfully say I haven’t been plagued by my former friend depression for probably the longest stretch of time in my life since it first appeared.
My anxiety seems to be getting worse. Previously I was taking my newest medication just on days when I had to socially interact with people, but now I have been experiencing more moments of anxiety and have been taking it to try and make that go away.
I start my new job tomorrow. I will end on a positive and say that one thing I have learnt in life is things have a funny way of working themselves out. Eventually.
Every little thing is going to be alright.