I Feel Bad

Today was my penultimate day at work before my contract ends.

I was very ill this morning. I felt like I was going to vomit from tiredness. When I am ill I retreat even further into my shell and can become quite angry if people try to engage me in conversation as I just want to be alone.

I have been finding it difficult because my colleagues are asking me if I am going away for Easter, or if I have any more work lined up and I just want to laugh bitterly because tomorrow I will become unemployed and I don’t know when I will next get a job.

I love my colleagues and have loved every minute spent with them.

I have hated every minute that I had to do customer service work.

My brain can’t tell the difference between a positive exchange with a stranger and a negative one as I find both traumatic.

My colleagues are eagerly telling me about jobs coming up in this department as they want to keep me and I don’t know how to tell them I won’t be applying because half of my core duties render me shaken, panicked, stressed and full of despair over my incapability to talk to people.

In many ways this is the best job I have ever had and I am gutted to be leaving such wonderful people.

But I can’t deny that this week I drew 8 boxes for my last remaining 8 customer service shifts and have been colouring them in as I get ever closer to having a break from being around people.

My anxiety is getting worse each and every day. I don’t want to imagine where it will lead to if I spiral down further.

I am happy, genuinely.

I am also more afraid of people than ever.

I guess I have to admit that I am completely paranoid and believe that everyone is just a second away from hurting me in one way or another.

I guess I have to face the fact that my anxiety is now extreme and I need help.

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