Back to Life

Well, actually, is it my old self, or more accurately my ‘true’ or ‘best’ self?

I’ll explain.

Last week was rough. A busy week at work, side effects from the medication, women’s business, all in all my anxiety was ramped up to the max!

This week has been so different.

I have no fear over talking to people. The way I am around people is like I’ve had a complete personality transplant. I am eager to help, I am eager to talk to people, I am chatty and friendly instead of wishing I had the power of invisibility so that I could hide from people.

I will admit I have had just about every side affect the medication listed as being possible, including ones they said were ‘rare’ and only occur in 1 in 1000 people.

I guess I’m special.

I don’t want to take risks with my health but I feel it is a small price to pay for better mental health.

I am still very, very concerned about my mum.

Because when she was drinking when I was a child, we had my Dad’s wages to fund it, and yes she did bankrupt his business (true story) but at least she had a home to pass out on the floor off.

She is now a vulnerable woman living off benefits in rented accommodation. If she drinks away her money and can’t pay her rent she will be homeless.

She still hasn’t called me.

I wish she could have felt that she could turn to her kids for support rather than the bottle.

It does make me feel a little abandoned, hurt, angry and pissed off.

What hurts is despite the fact I have left lots of messages on her phone, she contacted my brother in a drunken stupor.

My mum has always been more interested in the men in her life then the women. She loves her Dad and hated her mum. She hated my Dad’s mum. My dad once told me that my mum tends to dislike women as they threaten her relationships with the men in her life.

I guess this is why I have always rejected the need for male attention. As much as I love my boyfriend I feel like a sell out for being in a relationship. It’s stupid I know, being single isn’t exactly a stand up achievement (most would think the opposite).

My overbearing clingy-ness is matched by my desperate need to be an island and to not rely on anyone or anything.

I think the real reason I gave up smoking finally, was not because of a concern for my health but because I hated the fact it had a hold on me.

I want to be alone and I want to be with people.

It’s little wonder I am confused.

 

 

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