After some pretty bad experiences last week regarding my anxiety, I decided that enough was enough and that I was going to seek medical help.
I took some time off work on Monday afternoon and went to my doctors.
The doctor has seen me through everything, my IBS, my depression, my stress, I expect they are sick of me.
I explained things as best as I could. That in many ways I am the happiest I have ever been, that I feel happy and my depression is basically non existent.
But I have crippling social anxiety.
I explained that just an hour of front line customer service can leave me a quivering mess. That I hate all social interactions, even good ones. That I am becoming more and more withdrawn from people.
My doctor went through my options. My number choice is counselling.
I cannot afford counselling, either time wise or financially. And I don’t mean in the sense that having counselling will eat into my buying of Faberge eggs hobby, I mean it would probably be more a month then my ‘disposable income’ is.
So number 2 choice is medication.
First option, increase the dosage of meds I am already one. I was reluctant to do this. Second option was better, be prescribed a small prescription of medication to try out, a pill that fights the physical sensations of anxiety and that can be taken as and when needed up to three times a day.
So I have a 28 pack of this new pill to see if it works.
I took one today before I went on my customer service desk. To be fair the shift I was doing is the quietest shift, but still I ‘survived’ it better than usual.
I could put that down to being a fluke, or a placebo affect, but there were a few more things I noticed.
I was helping some colleagues in another customer facing role, with staff members from different departments.
It was only afterwards that I realised I had been contributing to the conversation easily with none of my usual ‘HIDE UNDER THE DESK’ feelings I normally experience.
And the other major difference was when I finished for the day, I said goodbye to people as I left.
You are probably confused now, and I’ll explain. When I am at work, or at a social gathering, I try to leave as discretely and as quietly as possible, to the point that I am barely noticeable. I also have a hard time saying goodbye to people, which to many (normal) people is just common manners.
I can’t really explain the reasons for this, other than my fear is I will call out ‘Goodbye’ to my friends, or colleagues, and there will be silence. I am scared to say goodbye to people in case I am ignored and then I have to live with the fact that no one cares.
It will hardly surprise you that when I said goodbye nearly everyone in the office said it back. So once again I had been a twat.
It’s early days, it could be a placebo affect, but at the moment I feel good and maybe like I can face the world.