My Worst Moments of Anxiety #2 White Wedding

#2

Swansea, Wales 2015

Brecon, Wales 2016

I have decided to lump two weddings I have attended in the last few years together as the anxiety was the same at both.

Since November 2015 I have attended 2 weddings. In both cases I was friends almost equally with both people in the couple, and at each wedding one of the happy couple had helped me get a job.

I would say there was nothing particularly unique about the anxiety I felt at both weddings. In each example it was a case that I felt overcome with anxiety about being in a large social gathering with people I either didn’t know or weren’t as good friends with, and I was there without my boyfriend in tow.

Both weddings involved travelling, and a financial cost. In both cases I ended up having to borrow some money from my boyfriend.

Travelling and spending money stress me out.

What was unique about both cases was the shame I felt.

I felt so ashamed that I was becoming paralysed with anxiety at events I had been looking forward to. Events celebrating the love of two couples made up of some of my closest friends.

I felt ashamed because who in their right mind gets anxious at their friend’s wedding?

Me, that’s who.

In both cases I felt trapped, and this is why I avoid a lot of social gatherings because I don’t like feeling trapped. I felt trapped in that I couldn’t just leave as I was travelling in a group, and there was no private place I could go to recover and feel safe.

To my great shame at the more recent wedding I spent about 10 minutes hiding in the girl’s toilet from people.

With the other moments of anxiety for the most part my anxiety was only affecting myself, in that the person most affected by my anxiety was me. Obviously I did affect my friends and family in some way, but I was affected the most.

At the weddings however, my anxiety-although to a certain degree I kept it under control and hidden-was affecting my friends and the other guests.

At the first wedding I tended not to talk to anyone. At the second I would stay as far apart from my friends that could still be deemed socially acceptable. Although this went unnoticed for only so long.

I would frequently try and hit the dance floor in the hope it would sort me out, but instead it just made me feel so anxious I had heart palpitations.

I personally do not want a large wedding. I would be happiest with a very small wedding. This is because I don’t trust my anxiety to go away. I don’t trust it to ’behave’ at my wedding.

Because look at the evidence so far-Prom Night, Graduations, Weddings, Holidays- I got anxious at many events which were supposed to be happy and joyful.

My best friend is getting married this year, and as much as I am looking forward to it, I am scared my old friend Mr Anxiety will strike a

 

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