I left you yesterday with the Flo’s-Brother-Has-Come-To-Stay-Weekend-Budget at £20.80/£50.
Here are today’s expenses:
BREAKFAST £6.50 (I took my brother to a local greasy spoon that due to its huge portion sizes and cheap prices is something that has to be experienced)
TRAIN FARE £2.60
DRINKS ROUND 1 £9.25 (2 for me, 1 for Boyfriend)
DRINKS ROUND 2 £5.30 (1 for me, 1 for bro)
TOTAL SPENDS = £23.65
£23.65 + £20.80 = £44.45
£44.45/£50 = £5.55 under budget!
Maybe I could have been a bit more frugal, but I had a great time, got to be a tourist in my own city and see familiar sights in a new light, went to an Art Gallery I had never been to before and generally had a great catch up with my brother about my anxiety.
I would say all my siblings and I have suffered from mental health problems in some form or to a certain degree at times in our life so I felt like I could talk freely. We even started comparing anti depressants and beta blockers we had been on at different points. I might look into whether switching my medication would be a good move for my anxiety.
I think I have said this before, but I describe my anxiety as being ‘high functioning’ in that I can do a good impression of a ‘normal’ person in my day to day life even though I look a bit like a rabbit in the headlights whenever someone talks to me. That’s not to say my anxiety isn’t a problem because in many ways I actually think it is quite severe, but I can disguise it.
My ambition in life is to draw as little attention to myself as possible.
I guess disguising the problem is doing very little to solve it.
I am fine around my friends, family, colleagues, people I know, it is just the rest of humanity I am afraid of.
I think my problems stems down to the fact that as I don’t think much of myself I can’t comprehend that anyone else will like me, and I avoid talking to people because I feel the more they know me the more they will hate me.
It takes me a long time to feel comfortable around people, but when I do I am a completely different person and it is like a light has gone on in me and I come alive. I can act extremely extroverted. In fact on one occasion in University I was at my good friend’s house acting the way I do when I am truly comfortable. Her flatmates would occasionally come into the kitchen and hang out, but they didn’t really know me or I them. When I left they turned to my friend and said ‘Wow, Flo was really drunk’. My friend explained that I had been sober and in general rarely drink. They were thoroughly confused.
I feel like I have a split personality. I have the one side of me that wants to do nothing more than be open with people, to help people, to talk to them, to get to know them, to be the life and soul of the party.
But she is usually smothered by the side of me that freaks out if a stranger says hello to me.
As someone who has spent the last 11 years of her life working exclusively in customer service, you can appreciate why I am perpetually stressed to the max.
Do my friends and family love me?
Do they think I am awesome, and fantastic, and cool, and great?
Yes (though the anxious part of me wonders why)
Have I successfully been in a relationship for nearly 6 years with a hot, awesome, talented, sexy, kind, funny and loving guy, who had the freedom to leave at any point and yet chose to be with me?
So why do I find it so unfathomable that a stranger could feel the same?
I don’t really have any other anxiety, it’s all social/people based. I no longer freak out about my career as I believe my goals will come true. I don’t believe in an apocalyptic end of the world as we know it event will happen (despite what is happening in the world at the moment). I don’t wonder ‘Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality’ (Sorry, I am obsessed with the band Queen, I couldn’t resist)
Yes I have had plenty of bad moments in my life. There have been points when I have been treated badly by strangers, so called friends, colleagues and family members, I have had men sexually harass me verbally and physically, I have been followed home, I have been called ugly to my face, I was bullied in one job and had it end in the worst way imaginable. I first got into debt due to being screwed over by a fraudulent company. I have lost too many loved ones too young.
But I don’t believe my life is any worse than anyone else’s. I don’t think I have suffered more than anyone else, and for the most part I feel like I have been supremely blessed in my life. I genuinely have so much to be grateful for. The thing I want least in life is for people to feel sorry for me. I don’t feel sorry for myself. If I have given you that impression I am very sorry and may go and do a frantic re-write to get rid of that idea. At the end of the day I am trying to focus on solving my problems-my social anxiety, my debts, my extra baggage (weight wise)-and as writing is as essential to me as oxygen is, I felt like this was the best way to work things out.
In other news I have increased the household grocery budget to £200 and I exchanged the ‘Free Dessert’ coupon from ‘Shopping Mission’ for Profiteroles for my Boyfriend (I am a weirdo and hate profiteroles, yes I know I am freak, I keep saying that, this is why I think people dislike me, because I have weird profiterole hatred).
Join me tomorrow for the weekly review.