I guess it’s fair to say I am neither one thing or another. I have good days with my anxiety and bad days.
Today was a good day. Yesterday I could barely follow a colleague’s conversation without feeling panicked and wanting it to end. Today I actively took part in talking to people and didn’t feel as desperately anxious in my customer facing roles as I normally do.
I still have great trouble interacting with people in a ‘normal’ way. Whenever I leave a social setting I tend to slip out quietly rather than saying goodbye to lots of people.
I know this seems like rudeness, but I’m not trying to be rude even though my anxiety can come across as being aloof as the very least and downright infuriating to the unsympathetic.
I don’t say goodbye to people because I’m convinced no one will say goodbye back, that it will just fall in an awkward silence and I will be embarrassed.
I am convinced people hate me. I guess this stems from my low opinion of myself, I mean if I don’t even like myself how can I expect anyone else too?
Despite my conviction that I am a truly awful person I have somehow managed to convince a great guy to be in a relationship with me for nearly 6 years (of his own free will!) and have so many friends that I tend to bankrupt myself each year buying them all presents.
Yet I can’t seem to be nice to myself.
I am scared of talking to people because I’m scared they will verbally attack me. I don’t know where this stems from. I have had my fair share of verbal abuse, but not an excessive amount and no more than the average person (though being told to my face that I was ugly was not a particular highlight in my life)
I am petrified of conflict. I hate a raised voice. I would far rather be told quietly that I was an awful person then be screamed at with a mild insult.
Yet today was a good day, so let’s focus on that. Whether it was just the ‘T.G.I Friday’ feeling or a sense of calm after banishing my anxiety at football yesterday today was ok.
It was also a NSD, which is great considering I had run out of milk at work yesterday, I decided to just fill up a plastic bottle with milk from our fridge at home and take that in.
I made a promise to my boyfriend that I would take my social anxiety seriously this year and tackle it. So I will try harder.